35Q - What effect did Ebby's message have on you?


35A - Well, by this time I knew how hopeless my alcoholism was, and yet I still rebelled - the idea of a dependency on some intangible God who might not even be there. Oh, if I could swallow it, but could I! I went on drinking for a number of days and gradually I got jittery enough to think about the hospital and then it came to me “Of a sudden” one day - “Fool! - why should you question how you're going to get well, why should beggars be choosers? If you had a cancer and you were sure of it and your physician said “This is so malignant that we can't touch it with our art and even if your physician came along with the improbable story that there were many who got over cancer by standing on their head in the public square crying 'Amen' and if he could really make a case that it was so, yes Bill Wilson, if you had cancer, you too would be out in the public square ignominiously standing on your head and crying 'Amen'- anything to stop the growth of those cells and that would be the first priority, and your pride would have to go.”

A35:そうですね、私はその時までには自分のアルコホリズムがどれほど絶望的なのか分かっていたのです。それでも実体の無い神に、もしそれが存在したとしても、それに依存するという考えにはまだ反発がありました。それを無条件で受け入れられたら良いのだろうけど、私にはそんなことできないぞ!と。何日も飲み続けながら、私は次第に入院を考えるほど神経過敏になってきました。そんなある日「突然」、こんな考えが浮かびました。「愚か者め! なぜ、どうやったら良くなれるのかを考えないのだ? 物乞いが好き嫌いを言えるか?(訳注:選んでいる余裕はない) もしお前が癌になって、自分でも癌だと納得したのに、医者が『これは極めて悪性の腫瘍で、私たちの能力では手に負えない』と言った挙げ句、『町の大広場で逆立ちして、アーメン!と叫んだら癌が治ったという人がたくさんいるんです』というありそうもない話をしてきて、でも、それをきちんと証拠を挙げて説明してくれたらどうだろうか。そうだ、ビル・ウィルソン。もしお前が癌になったら、お前はどんなに恥ずかしくても町の大広場で逆立ちしてアーメン!と叫ばなくちゃならないぞ。それ以外に腫瘍が増殖するのを防ぐ手立てがないならば。なによりそれを最優先しなくちゃならない。プライドをかなぐり捨ててでも」

And then I asked myself “Is my case different now? Have I not an allergy of the body; have I not a cancer of the emotions - yes, and maybe I have a cancer of the soul which has resulted in an obsession which condemns me to drink and an increasing tolerance of liquor which condemns me to go mad or die. Yes, I'm going to try this. And then there was one more flicker of obstinacy when I said to myself, “But I don't want any of these evangelical experiences, I mean it will have to be a kind of intellectual religion that I'll get, so just to be sure that I don't go into my emotional tizzy, I believe I'll go up to see dear old Dr. Silkworth and have him dry me out. (Memphis, Tenn., Sept. 18-20, 1947) .

それから私は自分に尋ねました。「自分の場合はどうなのだ? 私は身体のアレルギーを持っているのではないのか? 感情の腫瘍を持っているのではないのか? そのとおりだ。加えて、おそらく魂(soul)の腫瘍を持っているせいで、それが強迫観念を引き起こし、それが私に飲めと命令する。そしてますます高まる酒への耐性が、私を狂気か死に追いやるのだ。そうだ。これはやってみるしかない」。でも私にはまだ頑固さがいくぶん残っていて、自分にこう言いました。「でも私は福音的な経験は欲しくないな。知的な宗教みたいな感じだと良いんだが・・・」それで、感情的に興奮しないように気をつけながら、シルクワース先生のところに顔を出しまして、それで彼が私をしらふにしてくれたのです。(1947年9月18~20日テネシー州メンフィスにて)。

Another Answer


35A - What then did happen at that kitchen table? Perhaps this speculation were better left to medicine and religion. I confess I do not know. Possibly conversion will never be fully understood.

A35:その時、そのキッチンテーブルでは何が起きていたのでしょうか? おそらく、そのような推論は医学や宗教に任せたほうが良さそうです。正直なところ、私には分かりません。きっと、回心(conversion)というものは完全に理解はできないものなのでしょう。

My friend's story had generated mixed emotions; I was drawn and revolted by turns. My solitary drinking went on, but I could not forget his visit. Several themes coursed in my mind: First, that his evident state of release was strangely and immensely convincing. Second, that he had been pronounced hopeless by competent medicos. Third, that those old-age precepts, when transmitted by him, had struck me with great power. Fourth, I could not, and would not, go along with any God concept. No conversion nonsense for me. Thus did I ponder. Trying to divert my thoughts, I found it no use. By cords of understanding, suffering, and simple verity, another alcoholic had bound me to him. I shall not break away. (Amer J. Psychiat., Vol.106, 1949) .


Another Answer


35A - He first told me his drinking experience, accent on its more recent horrors. Of course his identification with me was immediate, and as it proved, deep and vital indeed. One alcoholic was talking with another as no one except an alcoholic can. Then he offered me his naively simple recovery formula. Not one syllable was new, but somehow it affected me profoundly.


There he sat, recovered. An example of what he preached. You will note that his only dogma was God, which for my benefit he stretched into an accommodating phrase, a Power greater than myself. That was his story. I could take it or leave it. I need feel no obligation to him. Indeed, he observed, I was doing him a favor by listening. Besides it was obvious that he had something more than ordinary “water wagon” sobriety. He looked and acted “released”; repression had not been his answer. Such was the impact of an alcoholic who really knew the score. (N.Y. State J. Med., Vol.50, July 1950)


recovery/letsaskbillw/35.txt · 最終更新: 2021/08/07 by ひいらぎ